Sagenhaft

Bugger

2009-12-24T09:59:06Z

So I was hanging out with friends tonight and watching TV, which is kind of new and different for me (the TV part, not the friends). I rarely turn on the tube, and when I do, I only watch movies and The Sons of Anarchy. So when we watched The Soup, I'd never even heard of half the shows that were being made fun of. However, that didn't stop me from being super super pissed about SEVERAL things that were aired as a part of the episode.

First, Ryan Seacrest (that's him, right?) was talking about this show called Jersey Shore, which I had never seen or heard of before, but that apparently follows these slicked up young thangs in Jersey. Just another trashy reality show is what I gathered. But apparently on this week's episode, this girl Snooki got punched in the face by a guy in a bar, like full on punched right in the mouth so that her head snapped back and she fell from her bar stool onto the floor. It was awful. I've never seen a woman get hit like that in real life and I was just apalled. AND THEN THE SOUP MADE FUN OF IT!!!! And they SHOWED IT six or seven times, if not more, rewinding it and playing it over and over! WTF? Since when is it okay to laugh about some woman getting decked? I don't even want to see men hitting each other, but I definitely don't want to watch some woman getting knocked around and I certainly don't want sparkly Ryan Seacrest to make jokes about it.

It just made me sick to my stomach. Something like 25% of women experience domestic violence in their lives, to say nothing of women who are attacked outside of their homes and I guarantee that those women, some of whom undoubtedly make up The Soup's audience, were not laughing the first time The Soup played the clip, much less the sixth or seventh time. Furthermore, Americans do not need to be desensitized to the image of a woman getting hit in the face by a man. No good can come of that. Men occasionally kill each other in fist fights--a woman could definitely die getting hit in the head by some big guy.

I dunno. We actually ended up watching that episode of Jersey Shore after we watched The Soup and MTV didn't air the footage of Snooki being hit in the face, which I appreciated. I was still just livid about it though. What has society come to that we have deemed that kind of "comedy" acceptable?

Then they went on to bash on a public service announcement that aired on CBS. It was an awkward clip, I won't lie. It was this good looking guy sitting on a couch, looking earnestly into the camera saying something along the lines of "If you don't know what to get your wife or girlfriend this holiday season, here's one thing you can do to show them you love them--schedule their appointment for a pap smear." Kind of a weird suggestion, but I can appreciate the sentiment behind it because I don't believe that women's health is ONLY a women's issue. I thought it was kind of cool that they were trying to raise awareness about cervical cancer. The fact that they're willing to address it publicly at all is pretty good, I think.

But Ryan Seacrest was just an ass about it. He's like, "Yeah, because every girl wants to hear 'Uh, honey, I think there's something wrong with your vagina.'"

AWESOME. One step forward, three steps back. Let's hurry and make it seem like pap smears are something only women with "messed up" vaginas need to get, and not a recommended screening for all women over twenty one. It was such an ignorant thing to say, and comments like that just confuse the issue and enforce the notion that these things aren't discussable, or that men shouldn't be invested or interested in the health and well-being of the women in their lives. If a man really loves a woman, is it so wrong for him to wonder if she'd had her annual exam and, if she hasn't, to encourage her to do it? So that irregularities don't get missed, so that she doesn't get sick? Why do we have to automatically associate women's reproductive healthcare with something being "wrong"?

I'm having a really hard time explaining exactly why this pissed me off so much. I felt like the entire thing linked pap smears and cervical cancer to STD's and promiscuity somehow, and that makes me mad. Women shouldn't have to be embarassed about pap smears. Or STD's for that matter. And I am also tired of society evading the concept of male accountability when it comes to sexual health. A long time ago I think I wrote about how upset I was that people were resisting getting the HPV vaccination for their sons. It's a related issue. And the stupid thing is, I think that the guys of our generation ARE more responsible and knowledgeable and empathetic when it comes to issues of women's health, so why make jokes about it?

Fucking immature and lame.

:(

2009-12-18T17:08:40Z

I am sick. Like, for real sick. But I still have to go to work. So I'm angry and also sad and also bitterly bitterly bitterly jealous of everyone who's like, "Hell yeah! Christmas break! I get to do nothing for a month!" Because for me, Christmas break just means getting to work twice as much as I usually do. And I just wanna whine about how it's not fair, and I'm tired of working more than everyone else I'm friends with and still being too poor to do cool stuff. This summer just wasn't lucrative enough. I didn't find another job fast enough and then when I finally did get hired somewhere, I got jerked around for a month (Fuck you, Aldi).

I just want to go to my mother and cry a little bit.

Dodging the Wind

2009-12-14T16:24:28Z

I slept so wonderfully last night. Went to bed at one and just had hours of heavy, perfect, unstirring sleep. Then I woke up at seven because someone had turned my fucked-up bathroom fan on. It sounds, at best, like a recording of a screeching-brakes car accident on loop. I'm not upset that it was turned on or anything. Just stating a fact. However, it's back on now, three hours later, and I am a little grossed out/annoyed about it because I think it was turned on after someone puked in there. As the girl who cleans that bathroom, I have to say, I am just not wild about people throwing up in it in abundance. But whatever. These things happen.

This weekend was just lovely. I spent lots of time in St. Joseph with my family, eating free meals and hanging out, which felt very nice and relaxing after three days of paper writing. I slept a ton, just as long as I wanted every day. And on Saturday I went out for the roommate's 21st birthday, with her and her boyfriend, our downstairs neighbors, and my best lady friends. We all had a magnificent time. And on Sunday, when I felt terrible and didn't feel like doing anything . . . I did nothing. I laid on the couch and watched The Sex and the City movie which always makes me feel awesome. I totally recognize the fictitious elements of SatC, but regardless, I love to watch it over and over and have purse and shoe and dress fantasies.

Kay. Now I would like to gripe about something. Namely, tip jars appearing next to people of all occupations. If you are making minimum wage (which I know know know is not a lot) then you are already being compensated for your work, and your customers are already paying you. You should not expect to be tipped additionally. There are exceptions to this of course, like hairdressers and taxi-drivers, etc. But when Starbucks puts a little tip jar on their drive-thru window ledge I get pissed off. No, I don't think I should be expected to tip the girl working at the drive-thru. I think Starbucks should go ahead and pay her themselves---or reduce their prices so that I have money left to tip. Don't make paying your employees the customer's responsibility. It's lame.

Plus, drive-thru isn't hard enough work to warrant tipping. I worked in a drive thru for a year at Dairy Queen, and I think my responsibilities were somewhat comparable to a Starbucks drive-thru. I made blizzards, which have a billion different ingredients, tracked multiple orders, talked to multiple customers at once. Figured out whose food was whose. I promise working at the Dairy Queen drive-thru sucked more in the winter time, when people STILL wanted me to make ice cream and hand it out to them in sub-freezing temperatures. Anyway, it wasn't an easy job. There were times when it was tricky. BUT IT IS NO WHERE NEAR THE SAME AMOUNT OF WORK AS WAITING TABLES. It's NOT the same kind of personalized service. You are not running around to the same degree. How presumptuous, then, for Starbucks to think that it's employees deserve to be paid even more than waitresses, with tips and wages combined.

Sigh. I guess in the end it's okay with me if the tip jar is there, in case there are people in the world with lots of cash who want to hand it over to their fav. Starbucks drive-thru attendee. But you will never see me drop a dime in there unless I know the person or it's a Holiday or I have just won lotto.

It's been months and months since I've had coffee made for me anyway. I don't even remember the last time anymore.

Tonight maybe we will drive over to Candlestick lane, my roommates and myself. I feel like that would be a cute way to spend some time. Wednesday, Christmas shopping with Catherine. I'm not getting gifts for very many people this year, but I will pick up a few things. This year, more than ever, I'm a huge fan the white elephant gift exchange. Cause I'm broke, broke, and even though I'll be working twenty hours more than usual per week in the next month or so, I'd like to keep some of that money for food. :)

Oh no!

2009-12-11T05:40:10Z

I've hit a terrible wall in the paper writing process. Although to be honest, I never really got going to begin with. I have three of 'em due tomorrow and I've got a combined total of fourteen pages written so far which seems good, but it's taken me three days just to get that far. I don't know what's wrong. I just CAN'T make myself do it and so now I'm trying to decide how to proceeed. Do I go to work first thing in the morning so that I can come home afterwards and write my ass off until my five o'clock deadline? Or do I start writing as soon as I wake up in the morning and not go to work until I'm done? If I miss my hours, I think I can make them up next week. And I'd like to think I can get all of my shit done efficiently enough that I wouldn't HAVE to miss work. But I've been having a really difficult time lately.

This has been kind of a terrible semester for me, school-wise. I don't feel like the U of I is that much harder than Parkland but I'm more disenchanted now, I think. Less invested in being a stellar student. I mean, I love learning and I'm happy to be doing so much of it. But what do the grades really mean? As long as I pass, I'll get a degree. So why go above any beyond anymore? I need to be thinking about getting into grad school. But I don't even know if I want to do that right now. It's probably something I should think about more when I'm not tired and burned out on school work, right?

Went to my McDonald's on Cunningham a few hours ago. It was just as great as usual. Made me realize that I kind of miss working in the service industry. I am not sad about not working at Aldi because that place was AWFUL and I do not want to serve people at a grocery store. But I always liked the nature of the work at Dairy Queen and Steak n' Shake. Food service is kind of unique in that people are always HAPPY about getting food. I mean, Dairy Queen might not be the most exciting thing in the world, but for the most part people were glad to be there. Groceries are not fun in the same way. No one wants to be at the grocery store, and that's why so many people there are assholes. But there really weren't that many assholes at Dairy Queen or Steak n' Shake. Just that one shitface at SnS who came every other day and never tipped any of us, but hey, he also ate spit-chili once (long before I worked there) so I guess it evens out. Other than him, you got the occasional bad table. But it's not like you dealt with jerks every day, like at Aldi.

I will now briefly fantasize about what I wish I was doing instead of working on these awful papers.

I WISH that it was noon again and that I was sitting in a hotel room in Chicago, writing a story that was fun and felt GOOD to write. I'd do that for an hour or two, and then I'd take a big, lovely long nap. I would turn the heat up supa high in that room because it would be just me, and no one else would mind. After the nap, I would go out and get a tall caramel macchiato from Starbucks, the likes of which I haven't had in MONTHS. Then I'd head back up to my room, and that kid I am fond of would be there waiting for me! We'd both put on warm gloves and walk around the city. We would eat dinner at some small, non-pizza place. We would marvel at the Christmas lights and look at the pretty things in all the stores. Then we would go back to the hotel and lay in bed watching movies until we fell into a wonderful, luscious sleep which I think both of us could really use at this juncture in time because life is exhausting at the moment!

There would also be hand-holding and cake.

This Little Bitty Living Room

2009-12-07T04:26:42Z

Last night my roommates and I hosted our first party of the semester, and happily enough it was a hit. Lots of people came, and I would say that the grand majority of them had a great time. All of our cookies got eaten. And we ended up breaking even on most of the costs, which was just fantastic. I don't want to host again anytime soon. But it's good to know that the four of us can throw a party without a hitch.

I wanted to do something kind of different today, instead of just blathering on about things I've been thinking about. Namely, I wanted to list some of the things I am really loving about my life these days.

A) My electric mattress pad: when it's turned on, I have the most heavenly, heavy sleep.
B) Harry Connick Jr.: I know, I know. When do I NOT love Harry? It's just that he's at his best at Christmas, I think. If you don't believe me, listen to him sing O' Holy Night. It's lovely! And his music always makes me feel classy, like a lady instead of just a girl.
C) Pillow talk: sometimes the discussions are serious, sometimes flirty and teasing. Sometimes we just lay there and sing together. It doesn't matter. I'm just happy to be there.
D) Grilled Cheese: I eat grilled cheese all the time. ALL THE TIME! And it's never even a little bit disappointing.
E) Cooking: I'm a baker at heart, but this week I actually had some success, making real food. I made tilapia with a cilantro cream sauce, and my roommate Stephanie and I made vegetarian chili as well. Both were utterly divine.
F) NOT streaming my livejournal posts on facebook: a reduced audience makes me feel a little safer somehow, as if the pressure is off. It's like I'm writing for myself again, instead of for the people who read this stuff on facebook.

Things I Do NOT Love:

A) The fact that when Pandora runs advertisements, they are always for Monistat or birth control pills. Just because I'm female doesn't mean I want to be bombarded with feminine health and hygeine centric ads.
B) This product sold by Pure Romance which is essentially a rubber tube with a woman's lips on one end, for his pleausure. I'm not sure what about this bothers me: that it's impersonal, that it's kind of objectifying, that it's entirely unromantic? If loving on someone is that much of a chore, just don't do it, right?
C) Back pain.

I was very unimpressed with Pure Romance as a company, by the way. The presenter made some recommendations of products that I KNOW to be unsafe. All in all, I am much more trusting of the women at the porn shop who do Ladies Night. They seem to be a lil' more up to date.

I can't wait for this week to be over. Friday night, I am celebrating HARD. Because I will be, more or less, done with classes for the semester. Thank Jesus.

Bleh Bleh Bleh

2009-12-05T16:23:23Z

I'm feeling kind of sad this morning. It's inexplicable. I've got cookies on the counter and money in the bank. I didn't completely bomb any of my classes this semester. It's beautiful outside today, and beautiful inside since we decorated our apartment for Christmas. But I feel bummed, like something sad did indeed happen.

Mostly, I think that I miss my sister and hope she's doing well. I can pretty much guess at any particular moment that she's not having fun. She's still attending SJOHS, after all, which for half of it's students is just shitsville. A lot of her friends have been total crap-heads lately, which I hate. I just want her to be old enough to leave already, and go on to make her own way in college. She's ready. I've never met a more independent girl in all my life, and she's always been that way. Much more capable of taking care of herself than I am, and I've done all right. Sigh. I never know what to tell her either. I hope my parents make good on their threat to move away from St. Joseph sometimes soon. I will miss some of the physical aspects of the town, but not enough to really bring me down, and in the meantime I think a move would do wonders for my siblings.

Let's go ahead and talk about the bright side momentarily, shall we? Or at least, the interesting side. I'm reading a book called "Cunt: A Declaration of Independence" by a lady named Inga Muscio. And for the first twenty to twenty five pages I was really with her. She was talking about reclaiming the word and tracing it back to it's roots as a name for godesses and the like. She even brought up a lot of interesting points about women and language, and how language has been masculinized in many ways. Which I thought was interesting. She suggested that every time a woman gets her period, she should treat herself to a small celebration, an idea I was especially into.

But then, in her great haste to glorify the bodies of women, I felt like she started to use some derogatory language about men and their bodies. And THEN she started in on oral contraceptives and how, since birth control is a male run industry, we shouldn't use them because they care too much about profit and not enough about women to make good decisions for our bodies. I have definitely made similar comments about birth control in the past because it does scare me a little bit, the idea of turning my reproductive health over to the medical field. I didn't talk so much about the "men not caring about women" bit, because I don't really believe that. But frightening things have happened before with women's products, like tampons containing poisonous dioxin. Or those terrible IUD's that hurt so many ladies. And I have a professor now, actually, who is studying the links between taking birth control (especially when you are a teen or in your early twenties, and your cycle is still becoming "regular") and increased risks for breast cancer, which is a serious thing to consider.

But I think that condemning the pill outright is a bad plan, and not necessarily in the best interest of women. I think birth control has done some pretty miraculous things for women overall, yes? And taking it does decrease you chances of getting ovarian cancer---a nice side note. I dunno. It's one of the cheapest, most effective ways a woman can avoid becoming pregnant and I don't think that's something to ignore simply because you want to keep your money out of the hands of men.

Besides, lots of lady doctors recommend the pill, and I think they probably wouldn't if it was going to destroy your bits.

Also, I don't think that men are so dismissive about women's health that male-run pharmaceutical companies would knowingly market a product that was dangerous. I do think the effects of b.c. in the long run should be studied more, but most men have women in their lives who they know and love and would hate to see develop breast cancer because they took oral contraceptives. Right?

The Season

2009-11-27T20:27:21Z

And finally it is my favorite time of year once again. As we speak, I'm sitting in my empty apartment with Christmas music on high, a lovely candle burning, and paper snowflakes hanging from the light fixture over our table. Love it.

I'm awfully sleepy, though. This morning, like every Black Friday for the last five years or more, Sidney, dad and I went to Champaign to witness the freak-show (and admittedly, to do some shopping ourselves). I think it was busier today than I've ever seen it. There were giant lines everywhere, starting hours before the stores opened. We got to Old Navy at a quarter to three this morning and there were already at least a hundred people in line. Their deals weren't any better than last year, when they opened at four. But it was the only store that opened that early (except Toys R' Us, which opened at midnight) so I think people stopped by there before getting in line at places like Target.

Target was the scariest place we dropped by this morning. The line stretched south all the way to the entrance of Lowe's. Supposedly they gave away eco-friendly shopping bags to the first five hundred customers of the day. I will tell you this; I watched at least two hundred people go into Target who didn't get bags, if that gives you any indication of what kind of crowds I'm talking about. And it was scary because people in giant crowds like that stop thinking as individuals and just PUSH as one giant unit and THAT is how people get trampled.

I dunno. For me, Christmas is not about buying up tons and tons of shit. I mean, I like giving and receiving gifts of course. But when I think about the things that make me really love Christmas, I am mostly considering the tradition of it all, and that pervasive narrative of the miraculous that is a part of EVERY Christmas song, movie, and story. Not just the story of Christ's birth, but any Christmas story you can think of where the hero overcomes the odds in some magical way. Santa getting gifts to everyone all over the world. George Bailey being visited by a wanna-be angel, and realizing that life is beautiful. Ebeneezer Scrooge coming to the same conclusion. In the more lighthearted realm, you've got movies like The Family Stone, where everyone finds the right person by the end of the movie and SJP gives Sybill Stone the PERFECT Christmas Present. It's just kind of great.

I know I've written about it before, but there is this feeling at Christmas that things that are impossible might happen. And there are also ten-hundred thousand delicious seasonal cookie recipes. I plan on beginning my Christmas baking spree this evening, actaully.

Anyway, I hope you all really enjoy the month ahead. We should all take special care to love each other and ourselves, and to spend time doing things that make ourselves and others happy.

frauleigneli @ 2009-11-21T12:25:00

2009-11-21T20:24:42Z

I'm in a glorious mood, largely because I'm free all day today and tomorrow, but also because life has just been good to me lately. Financially things could be better I guess, but pay day is right around the corner and I've been feeling pretty happy and fulfilled in every other way so I'm not going to complain. Furthermore, my dad just stopped by to drop off some paint stuff and announced that we'll be having Thanksgiving at our house or in Gibson City! This means that the food will be completely and totally outstanding. Turkey and mashed potatoes, my dad's sweet potatoe pralines, casseroles and King Hawaiian rolls smothered in butter. I can't even WAIT!

Also, I think that I will make this:

It's Paula Deen's Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie, which she recently made on her show "Paula Deen's Southern Thanksgiving." I'm pretty sure that my family and I need to have some. And as it turns out, there is still a whole jar of apple butter in my parent's fridge from the time I begged my pop to get me some! Talk about serendipity, huh? I love baking, and I also love watching other people bake, as evidenced by my recent Food Network obsession. I think that I could be really happy baking for a living actually, like for the rest of my life. I'd make things like German Chocolate Brownies, brownies with cherry mousse, chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecakes, delicious, sweet breads that go perfectly with hot butter. Mmmmm.

At this time I would like to remark once again on how lucky I feel to have wound up with the roommates I have. Three nicer girls couldn't be found, I don't think. And we're all pretty different from one another but it works out well in the end. Our apartment is never very messy. It always smells beautiful like lotions and soap and candles and cookies. Everybody has nice friends/boyfriends, so there are always other cool people around as an extension of my wonderful roommates. It's just a perfect situation. I'm really happy with the decision I made to live here and NOT with that girl whose apartment smelled like incense and burnt food, or the girls who told me they didn't turn on their heat until December last year.

In more momentous news, I quit my job at Aldi on the eleventh of this month. I hated leaving that money behind. They paid me $10.50 an hour which is fantastic money for a student. But it really doesn't matter how much a company pays you if they don't give you enough hours and uh, for me, six hours was not enough. Especially considering that I got hired to work fifteen to twenty every week. It was a super frustrating situation. In the course of about a month and a half, my hours went from twenty-six a week to fifteen to ten and finally, six. And I complained to my manager. I told him that I was having a hard time paying rent and also buying groceries because he was cutting my hours. And he just told me that his hands were tied, that we weren't doing very well as a store, and that if I wanted, I could try to take this other woman's shifts because she really only wanted to work one shift a week. So I talked to her and she gave me her shift---but before I could even head in they called me to tell me they didn't really need me and were just going to get rid of the shift all together. So I took a second job. But eventually, he cut my hours so low that even that was not enough. I did everything I could to make enough money while staying at Aldi until finally I got tired of the bullshit and told my manager how it was. It was a good moment for me, I think. It was me, the manager, and the district manager in our office and I laid it out for them as clearly as I could and then said, "If you can't work with me, I'm leaving tonight. I don't have anything left to lose here."

It's pretty obvious how that went down. And it sucks, but it was a good lesson for me, and the experience also taught me that I do have the sand to stand up for myself in that kind of situation. I'll be nice for as long as I can, but in the end I'm not going to allow myself to be run-over in the name of seeming polite.

Met a fantastic boy. :) Can't even wait to see him again.

Little Secrets

2009-10-30T04:08:24Z

I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night and so my mood this morning was atrocious. Actually, my mood for the last week or so has been atrocious. Not sure why. The weather maybe. The bereftness I tend to feel once I'm not with that boy anymore. Stress over money and my swiftly degenerating complexion. At any rate, today started out being the height of ugly, nasty days and I just felt mean about everything. Anytime anybody spoke I found myself conjuring reasons to hate them in my mind. Not healthy.

And then, when I was finally free of class where I almost cried, I went to Aldi to check the schedule and found out that I was only given six hours for next week which is utter CRAP. When my job was advertised in the paper, it was a 20-25 hour a week job. I wouldn't have taken it if it had been anything less because of course, I knew how much money I was going to need per month, per week, and it was definitely more than sixty-three dollars. At this point, it seems like I am being encouraged to quit and if that's the case, well, I wish my manager would just grow some balls and fire me. If it's not a matter of encouraging me to quit---if he in fact just didn't see the point in giving me more hours---well, I find that pretty offensive as well. I may be a student, and I may be a single, childless girl, but even we need to eat food. UGH. I'm really mad about this whole state of affairs. It's really unfair and puts me in a terrible position in the middle of a semester. This is definitely not how I wanted things to go in the first few months after I moved out of my parent's house. Not at all.

Anyway, it was such a relief to get home and be with my mama. I love that lady and she always makes me feel better about stuff, but not in a bullshit "Oh, honey, it'll be okay," kind of way. Instead, she gets mad too and then I feel justified in my anger and like I have a right to be pissed. And it was nice to see her in general, and also Jack, and to talk with her for a few hours. I really really miss that SO MUCH now that I don't live with her. Especially in the evenings. I expect my roommates get sick of me telling stories but I'm so used to coming home and having an attentive listener at my disposal, I can't even help it sometimes.

Stuff started to pick up after that. I got a text from a girl who knows of a place that's hiring. :) I couldn't have been much more vague there, but I feel like it's necessary until stuff pans out for sure. After that, I came back to the apartment and found out I might have a guest next weekend (!!!!) which also delights me to no end. And then, tonight, my roommate Stephanie and I went out and hung in downtown Champaign. We went to Dandelion and looked at all the big, crazy dresses. And then went to Exile on Main, which I'd never been to before but LOVED. Not only did they have the cool magazines April told me about, but I found Passion Pit's album Manners, and I ADORE Passion Pit. And it was half off so I only paid like, five dollars for it. Hell yeah! And it's great. Listening to it right now.

Ah, and then Merry Anne's, where my favorite waiter was working. He's such a nice guy and he knows me and he's great about keeping my water filled up. Best of all, he's an amazing conversationalist, just a guy who knows a lot about a lot. So that was a pleasant experience. What I'm trying to say is that by the end of the day I was feeling pretty blessed. My job sucks and my financial situation is simply not ideal. But maybe breaking with Aldi will lead me to other, neater stuff. And in the meantime, the important things haven't changed. My family is and always will be there for me. We will always be a solid, great unit. And I'm lucky in so many other ways. I have great roommates, and a beautiful apartment on campus. I'm going to one of the best schools in the state, where I'm presented with amazing concepts everyday. And I found some new, great music. Life is a GOOD place.

However, I'm still gonna scurry off to bed now. I don't want to ruin tomorrow before it even starts by failing to sleep. Night guys. Good luck.

Every Day and Every Night

2009-10-28T05:17:22Z

I got a new job at the Main Stacks library here at the U of I recently, and I really love it. It's maybe the best, most chill job I've ever had. I go in three times a week and spend a few hours at a time hunting down books for patrons in the stacks. I get to listen to music. It's quiet and calm and warm back there. I never feel rushed. And best of all, for the first time since I had that detasseling gig when I was fifteen, my job doesn't require me to deal with customers directly. If I made just a little bit more money there, I'd quit Aldi for sure.

Tonight at the library was particularly eventful. One of my searches took me down to the second floor on the east side, where we keep a lot of our oversized stuff. I was looking for a book called "Protests in Paris" which turned out to be a photo-journal of the student revolts that went on there in the late sixties.But it was lost among all of the other photography books and uh, it turns out we've got a lot of books filled with nude male photos. But I don't feel like they're the artistic kind of nudes. The guys in them are super pretty, super ripped, and usually doing provocative stuff. Like, on one page they'll be shirtless, unbuttoning their jeans in front of a fountain, or next to a bathtub, and in the next photo they're all out, totally naked. Again, engaged in some provocative act or another. And the focus on the genitalia in the picture is pretty much inescapable. So I wonder. Where is the line between artful photography and porn? I really feel like these books take it there, into the porn realm, I mean. I'm no art expert but when a book is titled "The Big Penis Book" and filled with nothing but guys touching themselves, uh . . . is that really academic? Kind of amusing overall. I like that that section is there, just because it's so amazingly out of place.

Also tonight this retired professor (who I estimated to be in his seventies) stopped me and asked for some help finding his jacket. He was really confused about what floor he was on, and didn't seem to have any clear ideas about where he left the jacket. He was basing his search off of where there were stacks of books on the ground (which is virtually everywhere on the East side of Main Stacks). And he kept reiterating over and over that while the jacket wasn't that important he WAS really frustrated by the fact that he couldn't get his mind to cooperate with him. And he reminded me that he'd once been a professor two or three times. It was awful, because he KNEW that he was really confused, and that it was his age doing it to him, and I could tell he really wanted me to understand that he hadn't always been this way that he had once taught at the University of Illinois. I hated it on his behalf, and I really tried to understand and help look for it. But by the end of the search I realized that he hadn't even lost it today, and that this search had been going on for multiple days and thus, was probably a lost cause. Sometimes I feel like it's hard to know how to help someone while also respecting them and leaving their dignity intact. I tried to think about my Great Grandma, a very proud lady, and how I'd want someone to treat her if she was in a situation where she needed help because she was confused. Dunno if I was successful or not.

In other news, I hate money. My lack of it makes me feel like a failure in life. Like I was just stupid about saving up all along or something. But you know, I traded my financial security for two trips abroad and THAT'S what I have to keep in mind, and that it was worth it. And I'm already working twenty-hours a week. I don't know what more I could ask of myself.

It's too warm in my bed and I'm considering going outside again. I went out last night around this time with Brittany, and rode the unicycle in front of my apartment and also walked around town. It was really pleasant. I think I might go out now and just practice in front of my apt. I'll be sorry in the morning, but ah well.

Feelin' All Right

2009-10-25T17:13:44Z

Feeling Lazy. Thought I'd do this instead of really writing. Stole it from a girl I know.

Don't tell me lies, where's the person you like?
I don't know if there is such a person.

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
When I was in first grade. His name was Brandon and we played Star Wars everyday at recess. I was Han Solo.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
Sure. I think my roommate said it when I locked our other roommate out. As a joke. :)

Do you have to plug your nose while swimming under water?
Yeah.

Would you get back with your last ex if they asked you?
No. We weren't that great together.

Have you kissed anyone whose name starts with a R, K, S or M?
Yes. S, K, and M, actually. But no R.

Why is your hair currently wet?
Not wet. Should be, but bathing is such a pain in the ass.

If you were being chased by an alligator, what would you do?
I think running is the obvious answer here.

Has anyone told you they don't ever wanna lose you?
Yes, and I have said it to people in turn.

What does your toothbrush look like?
Pink on the handle, blue bristles. Fat.

Last person to text you?
My dad. "Want me to come by with the unicycle?" Yes please, pop.

Relationship with that person?
I am his oldest daughter.

Do or did you ever have braces?
Yeah, what an awful time.

Why did you last yell at someone?
Because they were rude and I had been drinking.

Do you like the song "Birthday Sex"?
Not really.

When will you next take a shower?
This evening.

What did you do last?
This is a stupid question, but I'll try to answer. I went downstairs and got my unicycle from my dad and showed him my (non) skills.

Where was the last place you went swimming?
The pool in my parent's backyard.

What was the last thing you drank?
Apple juice.

If you were kicked out of your current residence, whom would you call?
Mom and dad. And then, the tenants' union. :)

Where do you want to be right now?
Mm, Chicago or St. Louis.

What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
Standing in a weird house on Green Street talking to Tommy Rohl. We talked more last night than ever before in the six years I went to school with him.

Do you listen to a lot of music?
Yeah, tons and tons.

Would you rather be called "baby" or "honey"?
Depends. If it's a love, I'd like them to call me baby. But I like hearing honey from friends and other ladies.

Plans for tomorrow?
Going to class, working a little, doing some laundry.

In winter, would you rather wear jackets or hoodies?
Jackets are classier, but hoodies aren't bad.

Where's the last place you went besides your house?
That house on Green Street I mentioned a little bit ago, for Caleb Hawkin's twenty-first. Such a cool kid!

Do you believe exes can really ever be "just friends"?
I don't know if I do. I have an ex with whom I'm just friends, but I feel like most times it always comes back to one person wanting the other in a romantic way and then things get ruined.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
Haha, of course. Hundreds of times. I am the queen of making pledges to myself and then breaking them days later.

What are your plans for the weekend?
Celebrating Halloween.

Kissed anyone with the name starting with a J?
I don't think I've EVER kissed someone who's name began with J, in the rain or otherwise.

Who were you last in a car with?
Stephanie, my lovely roommate.

Do you eat raw cookie dough?
Yes.

What is on your bed right now?
CD's, Mike and Ike's, my purse.

What are you craving?
A big basket of chicken covered in buffalo sauce.

What have you ate today?
Some Mike and Ike's.

What are you wearing?
My commemorative Panama City '09 t-shirt, and some Spartan's sweat pants.

What is the last thing you purchased?
Mike and Ike's. Berry Blast kind.

Was yesterday a good day?
Yeah, by and large.

Do you have a mirror in your room?
Yes.

Look to your left, what is there?
My collage, my hand-painted night stand, a glass of apple juice.

Heard any shocking news recently?
Yeah. A guy died in front of my apartment recently. He was just jogging along and then he clutched his head, fell over, and that was that. It makes me really sad.

When was the last time you laughed?
Last night.

Why did you laugh?
Brittany and I were discussing how weird people we went to high school with still are. Weird as in, unfriendly.

If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?
Amy Winehouse.

It's your first day of vacation, what are you doing?
Checking out my surroundings. Eating whatever the local cuisine is (hopefully deep dish pizza!).

Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?
Pop-ups.

What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand?
This is a stupid question because there is no need to speculate. His actual name is in the book Peter Pan and I THINK it's James. Captain Jas. Hook is how it appears in the book, so James or Jasper. But seriously, no need to guess.

Rock, paper, or scissors?
Paper.

How big is your bed?
Full size.

Is your room clean?
Man, not at all. I hate it, too.

What do you think about long distant relationships?
That the boy doesn't want one.

Do you smoke?
No, but I love the smell of cigs. So weird, but so true.

Do you drink?
Yes.

What do you think of Pill Poppers?
Annoys me to death. Especially the stupid fucks who take pills that are for people with hyperactivity and stuff like that. It just seems like a mockery of hyperactive people. I dunno.

Does anyone like you?
I don't think so.

Sleep with or without clothes on?
At least some underwear.

Who sleeps with you every night?
Lots of heavy and strange thoughts.

How many times have you been pulled over by the police?
Hahaha, like four. And still, no tickets to date.

Pancakes or French Toast?
French Toast.

Do you like coffee?
Heck YES!

What month is your birthday in?
February

Have you talked about marriage with another person?
Yeah, and we were like sixteen. He was all, "How bout I make you my wife?" And I was like, "I think you shouldn't say stuff like that." Guess who dumped my ass a week later?

What is the most visited landmark in your city?
I would be willing to bet that it's the lovely University and the Alma Mater.

I'm Just A Slice

2009-10-20T05:29:46Z

Oh my sweet livejournal, I have missed you.

It was a lovely weekend. I got to spend the brunt of Saturday afternoon/early evening at home, helping Sidney get ready for homecoming, and being back at my parents house is pretty wonderful these days. I miss both of them a lot during the week, so it's a relief in that sense. And seeing Jack is cool. I swear to god, he seems older and older every time I go back! And finally, for those of you who don't already know, my sister had one of the coolest homecoming outfits ever. She went with this black satin romper with ruffles on the front, like a tuxedo, and these supa' tall shoes. It was a Beyonce outfit if I ever saw one and Sidney, with her wonderfully toned and tanned legs, just looked awesome. I was very impressed and proud of her.

After getting a few pictures of/with her I met a near and dear friend for dinner at Merry Anne's and we hung out for hours and hours afterwards and it just made me really happy. Very very much so. :) Someday I may say more about it.

But what I really wanted to talk about is this amazing idea that came up today in my English 301 class. We've been talking about feminism (which people generally already understand) and also structuralism, which is the idea that nothing exists outside of language and also, that language doesn't just have to be the spoken and written word. And today we read this story about a girl who gets her tongue cut out, so in order to communicate a message to her sister she weaves a picture into this tapestry, a picture that men can't understand but which her sister understands right away.

It made me think about the fact that for the most part, language is a male creation. All of the words that we know and use were made and approved by men, by and large. So how can women describe the experiences we have that men never have? The feelings we have that men don't know about? There are some feelings and experiences for which there are no words in the English language and some of them are so rich that it would almost cheapen them to use words anyway, right? Like the feeling you get when you're just crazy about some guy and you look at him and your throat gets all tight like your feelings are just going to pour right out. You could tell him a hundred times about how much you care for him and it still wouldn't be adequate. I don't want to describe it too much because again, the written word just isn't enough, but I'll assume everyone knows what I'm talking about . Anyway, it's just an interesting concept, and the idea of the domestic arts as a separate vocabulary/language for women, understood by women, is really cool.

I also think it demonstrates how important the arts are, because there are concepts in life that just can't be put into words and I'm really happy that people have other ways of expressing these ideas, especially women, because otherwise we would just be too limited. It would just be one more way that the "man" had us by the balls, so to speak. It's good that we can say things in other ways and that our voices aren't just limited to words. It's good that we can speak by baking, painting, sculpting, quilting, etc. and understand by "listening" to what other women say in their art.

I am starting to feel ready for Christmas, and I'm lusting after my Harry Connick Jr. Christmas album, When My Heart Finds Christmas. Do you think it would be okay if I just listened to Oh Holy Night and then put it away? Can't hurt, right?

Also, I signed the lease on this apartment for next year. It's going to be significantly more expensive but I love this place. I love that it's so near the police station. I love the way my bedroom is painted. I love the vaulted cielings and it's location in relation to the main quad. I love my mattress, which is the first and only mattress to not hurt my back since I was twelve. I'm really excited about the fact that I don't have to leave for more than a year and a half.

I hope you're all excited and happy as well. Miss you. Love you. Good-night!

Junkin' It Up

2009-10-09T21:00:13Z

You know you're on the wrong track when you go to the grocery store to buy brownies, and also buy something to snack on while you make the brownies. I am developing some kind of emotional eating habit and if I didn't have skinny bitch metabolism, I'd be really sorry about it. As it is, I think it needs to come to an end. Tonight.

Another habit I have reverted to is reading those trashy, but wonderful romance novels. Last night I got most of the way through "McClairen's Isle: The Passionate One" by Connie Brockway. I mean, I still have twenty pages to go but I pretty much loved it. Once again, it's about Scotland, clans and lairds and plaids. And the hero, Ash Merrick, is just B.A.D. In romance novels you get two kinds of guys, really. The kind of who are really good, who just want to love the heroine, but get caught up in some kind of misunderstanding or outside scenario that prevents them from being with the heroine for the first half of the book. And on the other hand, the kind that are genuinely kind of shitty people who do kind of shitty things. When we're introduced to Ash, for example, we know he's a great gambler (though very manipulative and deceitful), that he's spent time in jail, and that he's killed some guys. And in his dealings with the heroine, Rhiannon, he is NOT gentlemanly and makes no great issue of her virtue. The badness is undeniably hot. And it's okay that he gets with our heroine because we, the readers, know stuff that she doesn't, like that he's gambling so that he can raise the ransom money for his brother who is STILL in jail, and also, that he killed those guys to save his brother. And he's all devilish and non-gentlemanly because his dad is an asshole who threw his mother off a cliff when he was young. When Rhiannon finds all of this out, he's redeemed in her eyes and they can finally be together.

I love this much-repeated formula and would like to write something like this myself. I won't even lie. But it would involve doing a lot of research about Scotland which, at this point in my academic career, I just don't have time for.

I have been doing a lot of writing lately, though, in the hopes of selling some shit to one of the online markets for romance. If I could just crank out two thousand more words in this one story, it would be long enough to submit somewhere. I've never submitted anything for publication before and I'm really curious about whether or not I could make money off of a story. If not, I won't be too let down or even surprsied, because I'm awfully young still. I won't lose hope either. I have years ahead of me to perfect the craft and I think I've always known it's what I'm going to spend my life doing. So no surprises.

But I'd like to found out as soon as possible how to make some money off of this and no one can blame me in that respect; I have no interest in being any kind of starving artist ever, and rather than continue eyeing boys in the math and science majors as potential sugar daddies (kidding) it might be nice to have a little assurance that I can take care of myself.

I love those artsy boys too much anyway.

On a final night I would just like to say that I really hate being inarticulate in class. I'll try to answer a question and it will come out all wrong, and people will misunderstand and think I'm nuts . . . and if I'd just had five or ten minutes to write something down, there would never have been any trouble.

On a final, final note . . . how 'bout that President? :)

Ah!

2009-09-30T20:16:27Z

This weather makes me want to travel SO much. I want to go someplace and stay in a hotel. I love hotels. They smell like chlorine and cigarettes and coffee, and if you have a hotel room to yourself you can be alone in the quiet for a few hours.

I want a small hotel room, just one big bed, with a wide windowsill somewhere super high in the city. I love big wide windows cause I can sit in them and look down. If I could get away I'd find a place just like that and stay a night and take my bubble bath and some great, easy-read book. And once there I'd get a a giant pizza with cheese and onions. And then, when I was ready to sleep I'd leave the curtains open so I could look out at the city all night long. I would play music by the Outfield. :)

I just really want to gooooo.

frauleigneli @ 2009-09-28T19:26:00

2009-09-29T03:26:08Z

What an amazing and productive day I had! Just joking. The day really wasn't either of those things at all. I wrote a paper, but it was due at five so writing it today was the very height of procrastination. I'm nervous about that one, because it was so easy to crank out. Discuss the relationship between sexuality and power in the Marquis de Sade's The Misfortunes of Virtue? Include textual support? Four pages in three hours? No prob, no prob. Was it good? Mm, hard to say. I feel like I can't be objective. But in the meantime I ate food all day today, which was a positive change in my life, AND I took an hour long nap at four.

Also today, I watched the latest episode of Sons of Anarchy, a show I love more and more every time I see it. I feel awkward watching it in the apartment though, because my roommates inevitably come out at some awkward moment, like when the camera is zeroed in on Jackson Teller's bare butt while he sexes Tara in the bathroom, and my mouth will be hanging open because Jackson Teller is so FINE! But I can't stop watching it. And as much as I love Jax, I also really really adore both Tara and Gemma for being so badass, and I'm really enjoying all of the politics swirling around Sam Cro now that they have to deal with this new white supremacy group in Charming. Listen, if you ever want to talk SofA, you let me know. I could go on and on all day. :)

I thought this was a really interesting addition to the Bust blog. It's about a "study" that was done regarding women, drinking, and sex and it raises some interesting points. The whole idea was that a number of women need to drink before having sex, which I think is a sad fact. The only reasons I can think of for needing to be drunk to do it is being afraid to own up to the fact that you want to have sex, or being self-conscious about yourself. Those are both no good. But it's not surprising since women who have sex and enjoy it tend to be villified just a little bit. I dunno. I could talk about this topic all day, but I won't. Read it, though. And think about it.

Tomorrow . . . sigh. I'm not ready for tomorrow.

But I am ready for Donald to be back from the Philipines. Our little Merry Anne's Monday Night Group will not be the same without you, Mr. Ross! You ARE the comic relief.

I think tonight I will order a plate of fries.

Five Things I Love Today:
1. Plaid Flannel Shirts
2. Rice Krispie Treats
3. Boiled Eggs
4. Laying in bed, all curled up.
5. REM

We'll March On

2009-09-23T06:54:40Z

I've been thinking about some stuff and this is the question I'm left with: Is it normal to feel lonely sometimes, or is loneliness the result of a flaw in an individual's personality? Does the fact that I feel lonely sometimes indicate that my life is not as full as it should be? That I am not as whole as I should be? I do have some stuff to work on, I think. I've always prided myself on being the kind of person who is never bored. I would like to be the kind of person who is truly content to be alone, too. But I'm not sure if it's possible.

In other news, a friend directed me to Fleet Foxes tonight. I first heard them way back in . . . well, sometime last winter. And I have always been impressed and pleased with their stuff so here, you have a listen, too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VExmgC0z9U0&feature=related

Great news, everyone. Sons of Anarchy is back! I couldn't be much more pleased myself. As I believe I've mentioned before, Jackson Teller is probably the hottest fictional character on the face of the earth and the guys of Sam Cro are just bad ass. It's weird---virtually everything about that show conflicts with my personal beliefs (Sam Cro is violent, racist, sexist) but I pretty much can't get enough.

I'm having a really hard time buckling down and finishing assignments right now. I get distracted really easily and find it difficult to write for more than a few minutes at a time. The reason I'm still awake, actually, is that I've been at my computer for hours under the pretense of working on a Gender and Women's Studies project. The truth is that I haven't done any real work since ten. Maybe a sentence here and there and some bogus researching. But that's it. And now I'm going to have to call my mom and cancel lunch with her tomorrow (maybe just move it to Friday?) because I MUST finish this assignment and turn it in at two. I hate that. I miss my mother a lot and as crappy as I feel right now about different stuff, seeing her would be a great good thing. But I can't.

The only class I feel like applying myself in at the moment is Creative Writing. It's the one course in which I'm actually learning how to do something. Everything else really feels like studying bullshit made up by other scholars, which serves no real purpose except to create more crap to be studied. I think I make a bad English major, overall. Not sure what I should be doing instead. Maybe just working, which is a sobering but legitimate consideration.

Today sucked, with the exception of Joy Harjo's craft talk. THAT was cool. She told some good stories and played some good saxophone. Also an exception to the suckage, I guess, was having my story workshopped. No one was completely apalled that I wrote about a porn shop and it turns out I could have taken it a lot farther than I did with no problems.Good to know for next time, and for the revision.

Once again I'm trying to write the story of Samson and Delilah from Delilah's perspective. Basically, she loves him like crazy but when she finds out what he did to all those philestines, she can't be with him anymore in spite of that love. It's like any relationship, where you find out that the person you're in love with is not exactly who you thought. Such a heartbreaking letdown. But you still can't bring yourself to hurt them, just like Delilah doesn't actually want to hurt Samson. She just wants justice to be delivered. It's sad. I'm sad.

Before You Put That On

2009-09-20T05:53:33Z

What a lovely day I had! Okay, so it didn't start off beautifully. I had to work at nine, which was no fun BUT I got off early, visted with my parents (and ate their delicious Avantis bread) and bought five two liters of Diet Coke for just $4.50! All of that was pretty excellent. And of course, there's no beating nap-time which is what I had as soon as I got back to my apartment. Being at "home" was kind of weird, though, because I don't really think of it as home anymore. I feel perfectly comfortable there. I help myself to the food, feel free to go wherever I like, etc. But the bed in my room doesn't seem like my bed anymore. My bed is here, at my apartment. And the bathroom isn't mine anymore. It's Sidney's bathroom, with her clothes on the floor and her makeup in the cabinet. It'll be really weird to go back there at Thanksgiving and spend the night. I think I'll probably just want to be here, with all of my stuff and the greatest mattress my back has ever known.

I do miss my family a lot though. I've never not gotten along with my parents, and I'm especially close with my mom so it's weird not to talk to her for hours every day. When I lived at home, we would just sit in the kitchen and chat endlessly about everything. Now we have to cram it all into to phone calls and my brief visits and the occasional lunch. I also miss Sidney a lot. Jack, too, but not in the same way. It's not like he and I spent a lot of time talking about our lives together, whereas Sidney and I did keep up with each other pretty well. Now, not so much. I should give her a call?

I'm looking forward to tomorrow because I don't have to work. A day without class/job is a rare and wonderful thing and I will celebrate by sleeping in a lil' bit and then lounging in my pajamas while watching Sunday Morning on CBS. After that I'll probably brew a big pot of coffee and maybe eat a bowl of cereal (something new and different since most mornings I have a crappy pop tart and that's it) and do some reading. I'm reading Venus in Furs right now for my Sexuality in Literature course, and I also have a bunch of articles to read for Intro to Gender and Women's studies but I love reading so it'll be good. And after that I might read for pleasure, or even start working on my next short story for Creative Writing! On Tuesday we'll be workshopping my first short story, and uh . . . I feel pretty awkward about that. For one thing, I don't share the fiction I write with people very often at all. Something about it feels perverse.

And speaking of perverse, my story is kind of about a girl who gets a job at a porn shop and while that seemed really funny to me when I wrote it, I'm kind of appalled now about having to discuss it with my classmates. My idea at the time was to write about a girl in an unconventional setting, doing something that no good girl would typically do. I wanted a girl to have a part in raunch culture, not as the butt of the joke or the sex object but as a peddler of hilarious sexual things. I will never be able to articulate this thought ever again and definitely not in class. People are just going to think it's effed up. Even I can't connect with what the inspiration was anymore. Doomed. That's what it is for sure.

On an unrelated note, sometimes other people's facebooks make me want to off myself.

And now I think I'm gonna go to bed so I'll be able to wake up in time for Sunday morning. Watch it with me. It will be like we're together somehow.

Hopes!

2009-09-17T17:43:49Z

Nothing major has happened in the week(s) it's been since I last wrote in here (and I mean legitimately wrote, not just plugged for Obama's speech). That being said, I also have no excuse as to why I haven't been posting. It's been a month since I moved, but I'm still pretty distracted by all the change, I think. Also, it's a lot easier to go out now that I live on campus so I do that more, often to my detriment.

I'm a little frustrated with my classes. Surprisingly (or maybe not) I feel like the maturity level between here and Parkland has dropped. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that there are very few non-traditional students here. Or maybe it's because classes are so large? Maybe because I feel older? Whatever the reason, it's annoying to go to a Lit class and listen to some eighteen year old spend seven minutes of class time talking about why she didn't "like" a story. Um, it's the Marquise De Sade. No one pages through his stuff thinking, "Boy, what a page turner!" And further, it's not a freaking book club. The purpose of a lit class is not to sit around talking about our favorites but to analyze and critique. At least, that's what I THOUGHT the point was. Also, with larger classes, I rarely feel like we get to the heart of analyzing anything. We discuss stuff so briefly that I never feel very close to a story. It's very different. And there are people in every class who don't seem to recognize that there is little time and a LOT of people and dominate the conversation with their bullshit, explaining the details of their personal life, relaying how in high school they were the kind of girl who was friends with all the guys---oh except for their one girl friend, but she was like 6'5 so it was like being friends with a guy . . . Shut the hell up! The content of the classes is great. I just think there is something to be said for smaller classes and more serious students and I am learning that if you want to get anything out of these classes, it requires a lot of independent reflection.

My favorite classes right now are undoubtedly English 301, Critical Studies in Literature, and Creative Writing 204. It's mostly older students, for one thing, and the students in those classes have already taken the prereq courses so you know they're serious about what we're learning. Starting out, I really thought I would hate ENGL 301 but it's interesting. And I like my prof., because you can tell that teaching is what she's there for and that she's really trying to do a good job.

In other news, I have reached the point where I have more baking ingredients than I have actual food. It's a little strange and sad, I think, but the money that I will be recieving in today's paycheck has already been allocated for a security deposit (super fun, like an extra month's worth of rent in the middle of the month!) so I'm gonna make do for a few days. I have plenty to eat, don't get me wrong. But bread would be nice. My loaf started to smell like acetone so I threw it out last night after one last grilled cheese.

There have been some alarming crime reports in the area recently, which is no bueno. I feel better and better about my apartment all the time, what with it being located within feet of the Public Safety building. There are cops in my parking lot at all hours of the day and night. It's great.

Also really terrific are the following:

A) Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee.
B) Chocolate Truffle Cookies, esp. right out of the oven.
C) X-Men Origins: Wolverine being RELEASED!!
D) Lucas Raab, for fixing my laptop with his bare hands.
E) The job that I'm going to get (I think, hope, want.)
F) Piano Man playing Bob Marley (Is this Love?)
G) Falling asleep and staying asleep for more than an hour at a time. It's hard to achieve, but last night I finally did it.
H) The painting of the Hawaiian couple that is sitting on my desk. Not to toot my own horn, but I love that painting more and more every time I look at it.
I) Taking care of ourselves, every day. And not just ourselves in the present, but our future selves as well. Banking the money, taking the vitamins, saying no to another drink.

Important

2009-09-09T16:36:47Z

I think that one of the hardest things about getting behind big change, like health care reform, is understanding why it's necessary. Especially if you are not touched by the problems our current health care system imposes. That's why I think this video is really great. Even if you are insured and not facing any kind of health crisis, if you check this out I think you can relate to the people featured. Please take the time to watch this and imagine where these Americans are coming from and why they want a public option. Also, tune in to President Obama's speech tonight to better understand what is being proposed. It will be broadcast at 7:00 Central time.

And She Throws Her Arms Out Wide

2009-08-31T05:19:26Z

Boy, up until seven o' clock today was a real downer. I woke up to a voicemail from my boss asking me to come in two hours early, a request I mistakenly fulfilled. I hate to say it but work is going very badly for me right now, and it sucks cause every other aspect of my life is peaches n' cream. But I keep screwing stuff up there, and am apparently not moving fast enough, and (gasp) being short in my drawer more frequently than is acceptable. It's a terrible feeling. I've been employed for four years now and I've always been an exemplary employee. And now? Now I feel like I need to dust off the resume and go job hunting, because there's a good chance I'm not going to make it through my ninety day probational period at Aldi. As in, they might get rid of me. And I can't even tell you how humiliated and horrible that would feel, not to mention what a precarious financial situation it would put me in. I'm trying not to think about it too much and to keep a positive attitude but it's hard, and it's bringing me down in other areas of my life, because you know how these things are; one bad thing causes you to notice others and they start to stack up. It's the laws of attraction!

But after I got off work (the most miserable shift I've ever worked anywhere) I went to Wally-World and made it up to myself by buying a candy bar, a new tube of lipstick, and a cold Dr. Pepper in addtion to all the ingredients for Paula Dean's baked mac n' cheese. And then Brittany met me at my apartment and we fixed a lovely supper of mac, green beans n' onions, and pita bread stuffed with veggies and goat cheese. It was pretty delicious. And we talked and I felt so much better! Because even if the worst possible outcome comes to light, I can always get another job. I'm a marketable girl! And nothing else will have changed. I'll still have my family and all of my friends. I'll still be living in a beautiful apartment and attending the U of I. It doesn't reflect on me as a person, or as a student, and it's not going to mar my future. I'll just experience the sting of rejection and a little embarassment and then it will be over. And that may not even have to happen, right?

Sometimes I think I view life in a skewed way, and hold myself to standards of perfection that can't be attained. I think of it in terms of points won and lost. But there is no score, and I'll be fine.

In other news, I read an amazing article in my Gender and Women's studies text book today that was all about the native people of the Americas, but most specifically Mexican folk. It was all about how Anglo-Saxon newcomers (invaders) slowly pushed them out of the lands they once occupied with Native Americans and into Mexico, even though they used to occupy much, much more of the American southwest. Anyway, it was pretty despicable overall and I find myself wondering why no one brings these facts of history up in the debate over immigration. Cause uh, us white folks don't really have much ground to stand on. That holds true in many facets of life I've noticed. Hypocracy and a sense of entitlement seems to run strong in our race. Of course, after reading another interesting article I now know that race is merely a social construct and that it's politcally incorrect to attribute characteristics to any one group of people, even if they are selfish whites. But I'm sure you all understand what I mean.

Very much related to the subject, yesterday at Aldi I was checking groceries for a group of young Asian women, and we were having a difficult time understanding one another regarding the fact that we don't take credit there. It was taking a while to explain, but I don't mind repeating myself and I did everything I could t o be easy to understand until finally (Eureka!) we clicked. I finished their tab, and moved on to the next customer in line, apologizing for the wait because I could tell she was losing her cool about having to stand there.

"Oh it's not you, honey," She said shaking her head as the Asian girls walked away. "Those people drive me crazy sometimes. If you're gonna come here, speak the language."

I just kind of stared at her like um, really? But the guy behind her in line started nodding his agreement and so she continued. "They're lucky my husband isn't here. He would have said something for sure."

This kind of attitude is really discouraging to me. I don't think I need to explain why. Just pretty disgusting. But I had no idea what to say to this woman about it that wouldn't tempt her to get my manager so I just kept my mouth shut and checked her out. I should have taken the opportunity to shame her a little bit though, just by making it clear I don't agree, and I really wish I had. It pissed me off a bunch. People at Aldi talk all kinds of shit about other customers, racist or no. All it takes is someone getting their debit card declined, or not having enough balance left on their EBT food stamps card and I will hear from the next three customers about how they bet I "get a lot of those kinds of people" and "don't understand how some people can be so bad with money/lazy/fat/whatever." What the hell is wrong with people that they wanna be so judgemental? And why do they think I'm going to agree with them? Freaking keep your opinions to yourself and mind your own business!

This is really long now but I want to end it on a good note by mentioning several things I'm really looking forward to this week. First, Jeff coming from California is super super super cool, and I think I will see him Thursday! Also, Thursday will be the first of three days when I don't work at all, not even a little bit. But I'll still be getting paid that day so hell to the yes please! My classes will all start to be intersting and non-syllabus-y. And maybe my mama will come to campus and have lunch with me at my apartment. I miss her.

frauleigneli @ 2009-08-27T20:41:00

2009-08-28T04:02:06Z

I haven't written in here for a while, largely because life has been too interesting lately to sit around and blog about it. But I have over twenty pages left to read in a text called How to Interpret Literature and suddenly I feel like blogging my heart and soul out. In fact, when I think about all of the things I've accomplished today in an attempt to avoid this reading, I'm pretty impressed. I cleaned the bathroom. Took out some trash. Had a lengthy nap. Read for my Sexuality in Literature course, even going so far as to read ahead. Had a meal instead of just vegetables and pita bread. Watched the Equality rally on the quad. Finally found a spare hour to watch the latest episode of Mad Men. I've done just about everything a girl can to avoid that freaking nightmare book, and I think when I'm done with this post I'll put it off a little further by painting my nails or something.

I wish I felt excited about the weekend but I just can't get there. I agreed to work from one to close at Aldi and I already know from last weekend that it's a long ass shift full of the crappiest, scariest, Saturday people. Some of you might be thinking to yourselves, only seven hours at a grocery store where you get to sit down and you don't have to bag? I know, it sounds pretty sweet. But it's a lil' on the phsyically demanding side, especially when we close, and by the time I got out of there last weekend I just felt totally wiped out. I'm sure the weekend will be lovely anyway, but I'll be honest. So far I'm enjoying the whole living on my own, going to class experience so much that it already kind of feels like the weekend all the time, only during the week I don't really work. It's not really hard to figure out why I might prefer to Monday-through-Thursday routine a little more than Friday through Sunday. Oh well. I like money.

My apartment is a beautiful, lovely little space. It's a good size for four young ladies and it came furnished with some pretty decent stuff. I especially love my bedroom and the way I have it set up. It's the perfect refuge, and my bed is super comfortable and does not hurt my back like my mattress at home did. AMAZING! I feel like a whole new girl. Also, it's within walking distance of virtually everything I could ever want to go to so I've been doing lots and lots of that.

And finally, I went to a NOW meeting the other night and it was the coolest thing ever. I loved it. It was all about tolerance and equality and reproductive rights and activism and I'm pretty much excited out of my head about getting started with it.

Alllllll right. This is just crappy and disjointed and it's because I'm getting too tired to carry on. However, before I go there are a just few more things I'd like to say. First, I was very sorry to hear that Ted Kennedy died the other night because he was clearly an amazing individual and it always makes me a little sad when a person passes away without seeing some of their greatest dreams come to fruition. Also, it sounds very much like water is dripping into my new, small home with the rain and I'm concerned about the issue.

Also, I've been having a really hard time with focusing and paying atttention because every aspect of my life is brand new and distracting, and I'm really looking forward to the day when this is all sort of routine. Still great, but normal, and I will stop feeling like it's all a fuzzy, weird dream.

Something In The Way She Moves

2009-08-16T15:06:23Z

Listening to the title song as sung by Joe Cocker on Pandora. I love Pandora, and this Joe Cocker station that I've created is AWESOME. They end up playing lots of Van Morrison on it, and also some Ray Charles. I couldn't really ask for more.

I'm writing as opposed to packing, which is what I should REALLY be doing. I just don't even know how to begin. Last night I picked the lotions and perfumes that I want to take. Packed up nail polish and lipstick. And that's as far as I got. I think once I start grabbing big things (things that, once gone, will alter the appearance of my bedroom) it'll be weird and upsetting to me, at least a little bit. But it's a good time to do some packing because my family is in Chicago for the day, so I'm not even tempted to spend hours sitting around with them instead. I just know that once I leave and move out, I will never be able to come back home in the same way. I mean, I'll definitely be back for holidays and stuff and there might even come a time when (god forbid) I have to move back in with my parents out of financial necessity. I'm going to try not to let that happen but I 'spose it could. But I'll never feel like one of the kids here ever again. And also, I think my family will probably move out of St. Joseph sometime this year which has been a long time coming, but will still be weird. I think tomorrow night will be my last night here. I'm going to try really hard to get moved in Tuesday and stay there that night, so I have as much time to get used that place as possible before school starts.

Other stuff has happened to me lately, too. Kinda sad stuff. I don't really like writing about the details of my relationships with other people in here, and in general I make it a practice NOT to mention the gentlemen I date too specifically. I feel like they have a right to privacy, and I don't ever want people who are going out with me to feel like they are on stage for everyone on my facebook and livejournal friends' lists, just because I blog about everything on earth. I will say, however, that I lost a good one this week to his school which is hours and hours away. We have decided not to pursue a long-distance relationship or anything because it's more work, I think, than either of us is willing to do. Plus, I already know that I let my relationships take a back seat to everything else in life, like school, work, and extra curriculars. But I'm still a little bummed. Maybe we will still visit? Maybe the book is not written . . . ?

I'm sure we will both meet other people and be supremely happy in the long run. I guess.

I've been reading the seventh Harry Potter book because I saw the sixth movie last week, and wanted to refresh myself on the ending of it all. When I read it the first time I was on a plane back from Germany so I was more than a little preoccupied with my own big adventures. I realized I ended missing a lot of the details of Harry's. The more I read of Harry Potter the more I wish our world was as definite as their world. I wish there were people we could just unfailingly believe in, like everyone trusts and believes in Dumbledore. I mean, I know Harry struggles a lot with what to think about Dumbledore after he's died. But still, in the end virtually everything Dumbledore has done is the right thing, and he knows everything, and wouldn't it be great if we could all be led by someone like that? Some figure that was trustworthy enough to lead? We just have to work harder than that in determining who we believe, and sometimes it's frustrating because people won't do the work.

It's like all the people lapping up the garbage being put out by the Republican echo chamber right. Lots and lots of stuff is being said that is simply not true about health care reform. And there ARE some legitimate concerns. I totally concede that there are. But there is all this bullshit too, and people are way too quick to listen to fools and liars like Rush Limbaugh, and I'm like, are you kidding? You're going to trust what Rush Limbaugh has to say about health care? I guarantee he has more money than the average American, and is NOT nervous about becoming uninsured any time soon. He's not relatable and he doesn't care about the experience of normal, middle and working class Americans. Look at it this way; Rush Limbaugh is so well off that for years and years he could afford to buy pills that he didn't even NEED. He doesn't know what it's like to choose between making a house payment and paying for medical treatment. What the eff are you listening to him for?

It also really bothers me when they're like, "We're not gonna have our rights and our liberties taken away." I just want to tell them, you already have you dumbshit. The Bush administration and their Patriot Act took a big dump on the bill of rights and none of you complained. You were EAGER, even, to give up your right to privacy and encouraged others to also accept the distortion of the constitution. Why are so many people willing to let an unintelligent white guy with a hick accent do these things with his evil counterparts, but when a super-intelligent black man and his super-intelligent, experienced cabinet try to make some changes (none of which include stomping over people's freedom) people fall all over themselves to compare him to Hitler and scream and shout that they're not gonna take it? I'm sorry but George Bush and his administration were a far cry closer to Hitler. Secret camps hidden in other countries, used to torture prisoners? Arresting people for showing anti-Bush sentiment at a pro-Bush rally? Arresting a man pre-emptively so that he can't disturb the Republican National Convention, without any evidence that those were his intentions? All of that REEKS of secrecy and illegality. Setting up a health care system that benefits the poor, that all people have to pay for through taxes? No. Not Hitler.

I'm done now. I get carried away. It's just really upsetting to me that the same people who once said, "Suport the President or you ain't American." "If you don't support the President you don't support the troops," and "Respect the President or you ain't a patriot" are now the same people attending town hall meetings and screaming atrocities about the president over the speeches of the elected officials who are trying to help them understand. I mean, I don't believe any of that shit about "you have to like the president in order to be a patriot." I didn't believe it before and I still think every American has a right to dissent, to dislike the President and his ideas. But the hypocracy is pretty sickening, and I wish they'd go about all of their protesting and fit throwing with some measure of intelligence.

I'm gonna go eat some breakfast and get back to packing. I hope all of you have a pleasant Sunday. Much love and grace to you.

Secret's In The Sauce

2009-08-10T04:58:55Z

Watched Fried Green Tomatoes today. It's one of my favorite movies of all time because it's beautiful and thoughtful and utterly woman-centric. It's weird, though. There's all these diconnects between the book and the movie. In the book, you know that the Mrs. Threadgood who Evelyn is visiting in the nursing home is NOT Idgie Threadgood. It's very clear. But in the movie, I feel like they're almost hinting at the fact that she IS Idgie. In the last scene with her and Evelyn in the cemetary I really feel like that's what they're saying, and even in the nursing home Mrs. Threadgood has all these pictures of Ruth. Also something I've been contemplating a lot is Ruth and Idgie's relationship. Are they lovers or just good friends? Now that I'm older, when I watch the movie I really get the feeling that they're lovers. I definitely feel like Idgie views Ruth as a lover, at the very least. There are so many different parts in the movie where they could have kissed and it would have been really natural, I think.

My mom, however, insists that they are just pals. Like Thelma and Louise. Let me know if you have thoughts about this.

On Saturday I went to Carli's wedding, which was a charming and lovely event and I'm so glad I got to go. Just for everyone's information, Carli and David are great at choosing music for things, and also cute flowers. Mostly, though, it was cool to be reminded of what love can be. I think our generation has a really hard time with the long term. We're really used to instant gratification (like hook-ups), and so for two young people to make promises in terms of forever was incredibly heartening. I've never met anybody who made me feel like I could make that kind of decision, so I can't imagine promising in front of god and all my friends and family to commit to someone for life. But it's possible and so I feel hopeful for someday. Kudos to young people making good, solid choices. That's so cool.

I'm getting more and more excited every day about moving out. I'm just a little more than a week away from that fateful day. I have it all planned out. I'm going to paint just one wall tan (an accent wall) to kinda jive with my blue and brown bedsheets, and then put up some art on the white walls so it's not too blah in there. I haven't slept in a white bedroom since I was three, when my family lived in a duplex in Thomasboro.

Shoot, guys, I'm super tired now, and I have tons to do tomorrow, A stack of laundry that's taller than me. Hair to be cut. Presents to be bough. Things to be cleaned and a fading tan to rejuvenate, pool-side.

I have the most eclectic collection of friends in the world and I love them all to death. The best part is, I make new ones all the time.

Love.

Light That Fire

2009-07-31T04:04:23Z

So for the seven hundredth time in my life, my laptop (the brand new one) is being repaired. Fortunately for me, the old laptop is still around and moderately functional so I will, at long last, write about my grand vacation south. This will be kind of long, I'm sure, so bear with me. Or suck it and read something else.

We left at six o'clock on Thursday morning, and even though it was early as sin we were all thrilled and ready. However, we got shut down early on by an Illinois cop who caught Brittany going fourteen miles over the speed limit! And in spite of the fact that Monica charmed him with her Brazilian ways, and in spite of the fact that we didn't tell him that our final destination was Panama City ("We're just on our way to Graceland, Officer, teehee!") she got a ticket. Eff! And they took her license. Double eff! This proved to be incredibly problematic for Brittany later on when she tried to enter bars and also a rated R movie. Regardless, we made it to Graceland in record time with only this one minor glitch.

And Graceland, my friends, was wonderful. I love Elvis so much. Every year I buy an Elvis wall calendar just so I can see his handsome face when I wake up in the mornings. So I was completely pysched to see his house and pay my respects at his tomb and spend hours surrounded by piles and piles of Elvis merchandise at gift stores. The post-Graceland trip to Alexae's apartment in Atlanta, however, kind of sucked. It was just a looong six hours and we made the mistake of stopping at a place called Jack's for a Chicken-Biscuit and fries, only people in Georgia apparently like fries covered in cheddar cheese powder. So sickening and so weird. Uggggh. But when we did arrive it was awesome and I had the best night of sleep in about a million years. We got up at ten, hit Starbucks at eleven, a pizza place at noon, and were on the road again by one o' clock.

We got to Panama City Beach later that evening, got all dolled up, and went to eat at a diner down the street. It smelled wonderful there, like the ocean, and was about a billion degrees. And what a huge party town! Walking down the street we got cat-called like a thousand times, and there were drunk people everywhere. Everywhere! So we decided to join in. At first our plans were to go to a club with these guys who were also staying at our hotel but they found some other girls and ditched us (effers). So we just walked out on the beach instead, resigned to a chill evening by ourselves. That's when we ran into Jeff and Ryan, a couple of guys looking for some girls to party with. It turned out that Jeff was a pretty great guitar player, and the evening quickly evolved into all of us sitting in a circle with all of them (about five guys from Ohio)singing along while Jeff played acoustic. In my wildest dreams I'm not sure I could have come up with a more perfect way to spend an evening than sitting around sipping beer and singing Sublime with the ocean smashing around in the background. Be-yootiful. And once we were all tired of singing we went down to the ocean.

I don't think anyone actually intended to go for a swim. All of us ladies were wearing tiny little sundresses and just wading daintily. But, uh, we kind of got carried into the ocean, after which we all swam and swam for maybe half an hour. It was still so warm and beautiful, and I think I'll probably never forget swimming in the gulf at one in the morning. It was a perfectly lovely time.

But when we woke up the next morning we were understandably famished! We hurried off to Winn Dixie where we shopped like girls whose eyes were bigger than their stomachs, buying doughnuts and potato chips and pecan-spin rolls and fruit dishes and granola bars and THEN, on our way back to eat all of that stuff, we stopped at Arby's to get five roast beef sandwiches for five dollars. We ate, headed for the beach, and spent the next five or six hours basking in the Florida sun on the white sand beach of Panama City, occasionally getting into the ocean and indulging in mixed beverages. Perfect! We ended the day with a game of beach volley ball, showered, and got dressed up for our seafood dinner. It became apparent to me at this time that I had spent too much time in the sun without nearly enough sunblock. I mean, I reapplied that shit three times but whatever. I'm apparently not suited to the beach. My face got scorched and all of the bits of me that haven't been getting sun pool-side at home in Illinois got burnt, so basically, I had these horrible red lines all around the edge of my bikini.

It was okay though because we had delicious dinner at Sharky's, a great seafood restaurant right next door to our hotel. And our waiter was this hilarious guy with gorgeous green eyes who delighted us (or at least, myself and Brittany) throughout the entire meal. And at the end when he said, "Would you like dessert?" Brittany said, "Only if it's free." And wouldn't you know it, it WAS free! He brought us three big pieces of cheesecake covered in . . . some kind of red fruit. And then recommended that we NOT go to Spinnakers on account of what a trashy place it is.

We didn't take his advice though. We met up with our Ohio boys and sang a little more, and partied a little more, and then we got into a cab (St. Joe cab service, was it's real, actual name) and went to Spinnakers, at which point Brittany's speeding ticket became an issue. It took over twenty minutes to convince the doorman and the manager to let her in in SPITE of the fact that she didn't have her license anymore. They just didn't believe that in IL, the police seize licenses when they dole out speeding tickets. They really believed that we forged the ticket AND her student ID with a photo to sneak in. So I just talked and talked and talked at him and promised we wouldn't be any trouble until finally they let us go. And you know what? It wasn't even worth it. Cover for ladies under twenty-one was twenty freaking dollars and before we got in the manager said, "If you get caught drinking in there, I'll kill you." Point taken. I won't lie; it was still fun. But that place was not as cool as it's twenty dollar cover might imply.

The next morning, on Sunday, we got up and had breakfast at the same diner where we ate dinner the first night: Steaks, Shakes and Pancakes. It was great. Unfortunately, wearing clothes had become pretty problematic for me at this time since I scorched so much of my flesh the day before. I braved the beach for an hour or two, but was pretty much completely dressed because I was so afraid of getting burned even more. And when Alexae left (to get back to her internship in Atlanta by Monday morning) I went back to our hotel room, drew the blinds, bumped the AC down to sixty-six degrees and laid there in the dark wearing as little in the way of abasive clothing as possible. I know this sounds like a bummer way to spend time in Florida, but I was really really happy with the way the day turned out, and when Monica and Brittany returned from the beach, the three of us went and did a little shopping, had an awesome dinner at a place called Camille's Cafe, and saw The Ugly Truth (once again, we had to fight so that Brittany could get in without her license).

At this time I would just like to say that I love Gerard Butler. I'm not sure if I love him more than Hugh Jackman, but it's a very very close race because they are both these hulking and delicious studs who are not only good actors with gorgeous bodies, but GUYS who can SING. YES!!!!!!!!

We spent our final evening in Florida sitting out on our porch, listening to the ocean, and talking about all of the fun and wonderful things girls talk about when we're alone together and comfortable, none of which I will repeat here or anywhere because I love and respect us so much. The trip back up to Illinois was pretty uneventful. Again we stopped midway at Alexae's in Atlanta. That night we played whirly-ball and ate at Waffle House (where I picked a bangin' lineup of songs on the juke-box) and later, indulged in more precious girl-talk in Alexae's room before falling asleep.

The next morning was kind of beautiful. I drove first while the other girls slept and there was an hour and a half or so where it was just me and the gorgeous road that rolls up and down through green Tennessee hills, plus some Bob Seger on the radio. And I felt old and happy and hopeful.

In my whole life, I've never slept so well for so many nights in a row as I did on this trip. Even that last night in Atlanta, when I apparently screamed in my sleep and scared Monica, I was comfortable and dead asleep for hours and hours on end. I think the moral of the story is that travel is great, and that friends whom you love are great, too. Also great are pecan-spin rolls, Gerard Butler, air-brushed t-shirts, acoustic guitars, the gulf of mexico, and clearance sales at Old Navy.

Good night guys.

Still the Same

2009-07-22T13:20:48Z

This morning, after running with Sarah, I finally bought some more coffee and I'm extremely happy about it. I've really missed having coffee at my house in the mornings and the fact of the matter is, I was just being cheap. But there's no need to be cheap when you're drinking Maxwell House. It kind of already IS cheap. It was tricky to find, though because they went and changed up the label and now it looks really different (and bad, might I add), and I couldn't tell which kind was the kind I've been drinking. Nita at the IGA was really confused when she rang me up, too. She thought it was a whole new brand. What the eff, Maxwell House?

I went to Piano Man last night but I think something was wrong with that guy. The first ten songs were all about misery and heartbreak and when they were over he said, "Hey, I feel like getting really wasted. Social!" Hm. I might be going out on a limb here, but he kind of seemed like someone who might have been dumped. Or maybe I'm just always waiting for people to get dumped and read too much into things. I just know that after listening to him for an hour I felt like I'd been dumped so I left. I'm really not in the mood for any kind of melancholy these days. I think that the end of Jon and Kate has still got me down. I never even watched that show, but it still seems really sad to me, and now that I'm in charge of arranging the magazines at the library every day, I've started following their split pretty closely in People. Did anyone else see that Jon and his new tramp are on the cover this week? She's twenty-two years old. What the hell does she want with some puffy oldster who has eight kids? Besides $$ from his reality tv career, I mean. Gross. And he needs to grow up. On the one episode of J&K that I saw, Kate WAS an overbearing nightmare. But flaunting your new relationship in the public sphere when you have a bunch of little kids who aren't going to understand is the height of tacky. Especially when it's probably just a fling.

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Florida for a few days with some of my lady friends. We're stopping in Memphis on the way down to see Graceland, which I'm extremely excited and happy about. I've wanted to go there for years because I really love Elvis and also, because of the song that Paul Simon wrote about it. After I got my heart broken in high school I listened to that song about a hundred times a day for three or four weeks. Whenever I was in my car I had it on, because I really related to what he was saying and I genuinely believed that going to Graceland might fix everything. Obviously that's kind of a stupid thing to think, and over three years after the fact I know that there is no fixing it; just learning to live around it. But even now, I kind of feel like if I go to Graceland and see it, I'll have turned a corner. (This is what happens to people who never go to church; we put all of our faith in artists instead of God.) Check out the lyrics for yourself if you want:
http://www.lyricsdomain.com/16/paul_simon/graceland.html

After Memphis, we'll head to Atlanta where our friend Alexae is interning, and just celebrated her 21st b-day. We'll stay a night there, find some way to entertain ourselves for a few hours while she's at work, and then we'll all head to Panama City later in the day. I'm very excited about this. We planned this trip back in May, or maybe even April. So I've been looking forward to going for a long time. I love road trips. You just get to see people and places in a more personal way than you do when you fly.

This terrible thing happened to me, called Becoming Addicted to Romance Novels About Scottish Guys. I never intended for it to be this way. I don't even remember what caused me to pick the first one up to begin with. But all it took was that one book---Highlander Ever After---for me to become trapped in a web of kilts and accents and muscle-bound lairds. The same stuff happens in every book. A scottish guy named MacGreggor or MacDonald or Duncan needs a wife so he can continue his clan. There's some kind of sub plot that requires him to fight and defend his lady at some later point. They both deny their true feelings for each other. And then they come around and they get busy with it. A lot. The book usually ends when she announces that's she's having a baby, but they never ever call them babies. Just bairns. Don't ever let anyone tell you those books aren't trash. They are. They're the porno mags of middle-aged women. And also weirdo twenty year olds who got involved by accident. I think after Devil of the Highlands I'm going to stop this madness before my brain starts to deteriorate.

I hope all of you enjoy the rest of your week and also your weekend. Do something you'll feel good about later. Like go to Planned Parenthood's Website and pledge your support for them during the hard times they're having with some of the super-conservatives in Washington. Or, you know, just bake a cake. For my part, I'm going to go pack, and write, and read about the Devil of Donnachaidh and his new wife, Eideleine or whatever her goofy, made-up romance novel name is.

Love.